Let me begin by making it very, very clear that Lauren and I do not in any way consider ourselves experts in the complex and brutal sport that is romance. When it comes to flirting, dating or--god-forbid--the L word itself, we are notoriously flawed. That being said, we have seen a lot of 90's chick flicks and have spent a lot of time interacting with a wide variety of Sebastopolians, and therefore consider ourselves qualified to instruct you, Dear Reader, on how to find love in Sebastopol.
1) Whole Foods--"I don't want anything serious, just some harmless, obnoxious flirting!"
If you enjoy being referred to as "Hey girl, hey", "Darlin'," or "Missy," Whole Foods is probably the place for you. Expect to spend a good 3 minutes at the express register, while a "weird little white boy who walks like an ostrich who shit in his diaper" (copyright Tiamat Warda, 2011) playfully harasses you about your choice of soup. Or maybe you prefer the quieter type? Look for the tan, curly-haired yogi in purple spandex. And for those of you who favor the ladies, I'd suggest taking a stroll through the Whole Body section, there a few loverly females who will be happy to tell you everything you need to know about Shea butter.
2) Box Office Video--"I want someone who appreciates Wes Anderson even more than I do!"
Looking to find that special someone to spend hours discussing indie film with? Hit up the boys and girls at Box Office Video. They may be pale due to an incurable addiction to Arrested Development, but underneath the glasses and unwashed Edward Scissorhands t-shirt, you'll find that they are actually quite attractive. If you wish to interact with one of them, inquire as to where you might find 'Amelie' or 'Trainspotting'. And if for some reason you're renting a film that was made in the U.S. and does not involve drugs, child prostitution or some other highly controversial subject, you'll need to come up with a worthy excuse such as, "Haha, oh, yeah, it's for my Grandmother, she's very, very sick, you see..." Under no circumstances can you admit to watching the Notebook of your own free will. NEVER.
3) Copperfield's Books--"I'm on the lookout for a furry Welshman or a supermegafoxyawesomehot booknerd!"
Yes, it is true, at one point in time there was a scruffily-dressed, bearded Welshman working at Copperfield's. Alas, he has not been spotted there for a while (believe the Lailah, we'd know!). However, Copperfield's is still overflowing with bushy-haired, fair-skinned Harry Potter-worshipers (most of them female). Stop by if you're up for a casual, short-term relationship, but if you're in it for the long haul we'd suggest looking elsewhere--unless you're Neville Longbottom or Holden Caulfield you'll never fully live up to a Copperfield's employees expectations.
4) The Cookie Company--"I'm in the mood for some good eye contact!"
Look no further. Apart from delicious cookies and fab italian sodas, the Cookie Company employees also provide excellent eye contact. And if there's anything we, The Lailah, are experienced with, it's eye contact. After years upon years of *professional* theatrical training, we have a strong appreciation for firm, unwaivering eye contact. None of that glance-now-look-away bullcrap. We're talking eye contact that lasts up to 10-15 seconds, WITHOUT blinking. Get yourself a triple chip while you're at it.
